Helpful Tips for the Back To School Craziness!

Back to school time means purchasing school supplies, new clothes and organizing a brand new schedule. To help keep you sane during this crazy time, here are a few helpful tips:

Write it all out
Sometimes we feel overwhelmed with all the tasks we have to complete. This often leads to confusion, anxiety and memory loss. To help yourself, write down everything that you have to do, that way you can see it in black-and-white and know you haven’t forgotten anything. You also will calm those racing thoughts that are trying to keep track of it all. 

Prioritize
Everything on your list is importance, but not everything needs to be done right away. Take that list and divide it into three sections: Most important, important, least important. The most important tasks are the ones to tackle first.

Delegate
Is there something on the list that someone else can do? Maybe your spouse can do the laundry, and your child can wash the dishes. Maybe you and your co-worker can team up to handle one of the tasks. Learn how to ask for help and it will decrease your stress immensely.

Take on one task a day
Don’t tell yourself that you need to complete the entire list in one day. Tell yourself that today you will complete task #1, and tomorrow is task #2, and so on.

Forgive yourself
If you find yourself becoming distracted or too tired to tackle that “to-do” list, it’s okay. We all need a break now and then and just because you didn’t get anything done today does not mean it can’t be done tomorrow.

Sticks and Stones Can Break Bones, but Words Can Scar for Life

Dear Mom Who Called Her Daughter a "Dumb Kid,"

Hi there, it's me again. The mom who reprimanded you in public. There was so much more I wanted to tell you, but didn't get the chance. So, I thought I'd write you this letter in hopes that one day you would read it and know I was talking to you.

The event we attended with our children was so enjoyable. All of the attendants really loved learning about the miniature therapy horses and having the opportunity to pet one and take a picture with it. Well, almost everyone enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I, and probably many others, noticed how irritated you were with your young daughter. How old is she? Eight or nine? I saw her reach out to pet the horse but was passed over by accident. Poor girl started to quietly cry and continued throughout the rest of the presentation.

It wasn't until the end that everyone, including your daughter, had the opportunity to pet the horse and take a picture. It was then that we had our little run-in.

I want you to know I don't typically confront people in public. And I definitely am not the type to tell another parent how to raise their children. Parenting is a hard job, and we all are finding our own way. I know I make mistakes--no parent is perfect. And I truly hope this was just a really bad day and not how you always talk to her. In addition to being a mom, I'm also a therapist, and I've counseled many adults who suffered verbal abuse as children. These adults have low self-esteem, are in toxic relationships and suffer from anxiety and depression. No doubt the verbal abuse they endured as children was a major factor. I feel for these adults as I watch them struggle to identify a positive quality about themselves. When you are called "stupid," "ugly" or "dumb" during your most formative years, you end up believing it about yourself. Only a few individuals can see beyond these insults and recognize their own amazing resilience.

I  hope you want your daughter to grow up to be a self-assured and happy woman, capable of maintaining healthy relationships. But, calling her a "dumb kid" because she was crying is not going to get her there. And pushing her in the back and on the head toward the front of the line is not going to get her there either. When I reprimanded you, it was not my intent to humiliate you or make you angry. In fact, it was a purely automatic response to your action. I empathized with your daughter and defended her. You asserted yourself, saying she was "being dumb for crying," and I'm afraid my attempt to identify her feelings as "sad" fell on deaf ears as you walked away, telling me, "She's my kid!"

"She's my kid." That reminds me of a quote my mom shared with me when I first became a parent.

As a fellow mom, I know that being that stable bow for our children is a daily challenge. There are some days I just want to run screaming from the house. But how far can our children go if we cannot provide them with a stable and loving home?

I pray that was the first and last time you insulted your daughter. I hope you are able to find some relief for your stress so you can be that steady, stable bow to launch your daughter into this world a confident, healthy woman.

I'm happy she had the opportunity to finally pet the horse. I think she needed it more than anyone that day.

Sincerely,

A Fellow Mom

Madness: An Outstanding Read for Consumers and Counselors

Imagine being a child and not being able to sleep for days. Imagine being terrified of being alone with your thoughts. Imagine drinking yourself into oblivion just to get through the day. Imagine dragging a blade across your arm, only to cut so deep you had to be hospitalized for a suicide attempt.

Unfortunately, many of you may have actually experienced these events first-hand. Some of you may have experienced more than one. Marya Hornbacher experienced them all, and more.

Hornbacher is a thirty-something who was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder until her twenties, though she had a history of serious symptoms since childhood. She chronicles her pursuit of optimum mental health in Madness.


In her book, she details the dark, sleepless nights she had as a child which would usually end in violent sobs and rivers of tears as her mother tried her best to comfort her. In her teens, while battling an eating disorder, she was diagnosed with depression and placed on an SSRI (a type of anti-depressant which targets the serotonin levels in your brain), which she later discovered would send her into severe mania. Her manic episodes would usually consist of excessive spending, risky sexual behavior and heavy alcohol consumption. At the end of her mania, she would sink into a deep depression, sending her into psychiatric hospitals on several occasions.

The book is a brutal account of a severe mental illness and its effects on a highly intelligent and creative woman. At times it was dark and disturbing. Other times it was confusing, as I would imagine watching someone battle this illness would be. But, overall, it provided great insight into the realities of mental illness, good psychiatric care and the value of a positive support system.

Teaching Kids About Social Responsibility

Our family had a wonderful opportunity to volunteer together last weekend. Food 4 Kids Backpack Program of North Florida was recruiting families to help sort donated food for the upcoming school year. The program provides needy families with backpacks of food every Friday to hold them through the weekend. I had been trying to find ways to teach our kids about giving back. One year we prepared boxes for Operation Christmas Child and I have taken the kids to donate used toys, but I wanted something different. So when this opportunity arose, I quickly enlisted my hubby and two little ones to volunteer two hours of our Saturday morning to help out.

Operation Christmas Child

However, the kids were not as enthused as I was. Wanting to stay home and play, they fought getting out of bed, they fought getting dressed, they fought getting out the door. But, knowing this would be a great learning experience for them, I fought back. My cousin Mari always tells me, "Fight the fight." In other words, don't give in. So I finally got everyone in the car and we were on our way to make a difference.

On our way there, I explained to them the purpose of the program: to feed kids who don't always have food at home. I told them that these were kids who might even go to their schools and if we have the chance to help someone, we take it. Although it probably went over my 3-year-old's head, I think my 6-year-old understood to a degree.

Once we were there, we were assigned to a station of bagging extra items for the long weekends. The kids really got into handing me packages of raisins and bagging boxes of pasta. Once those items were exhausted, my son helped out by handing us cans of beans and soup for our assembly line. I heaped on the praise and continued to teach them how much we were helping out kids just like them.
We prepared 200 hundred bags of provisions in one hour! The kids worked hard and were exhausted, so we let them play while we boxed up backpacks with the help of some older children. It was great to see kids working hard and serving as an example to the little ones.

Pretty excited about sorting cans ;)

I'm excited to learn about more opportunities like this in our community. Though my kids might be too young to understand the concept of social responsibility, it's never too early to teach them how they can help others.

How Disney has helped promote mental health

I was in high school when Disney started cranking out new animated movies: The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Aladdin...and I loved them all. I identified with Belle and her love of books, and who wouldn't want a friend like the Genie?

After high school, though, I didn't really pay much attention to what Disney and later, Pixar, was doing. I was going to college, developing a career, wrapped up in the whole "single girl" life. "Kids movies" just weren't my thing anymore.

Now that I'm a mom of two little ones, one of the many, many benefits is being introduced to another world. And that includes the latest Disney & Pixar creations. Yes, we have Frozen fever in our house and, no, I don't think it will ever go away. Our first attempt at watching Frozen was when it came out in the theaters. My son, who was 4 at the time was ready, popcorn in hand. My daughter, who was one-and-a-half, didn't even make it through the coming attractions. Luckily, we were able to get our money back, and months later it became available on Amazon Prime. So, I took the chance and bought it and I think I've watched it at least 100 times since then. My daughter now cajoles me into re-enacting the scene where Anna finds Elsa in her "ice castle." Makes for an entertaining car ride.

Like many others, I appreciate the fact that Disney/Pixar focused on the relationship between the sisters, rather than a typical fairy-tale story where the princess is rescued by the handsome prince. But, as a therapist, I cringe every time the King decides to limit Elsa's contact with everyone in order to conceal her ice powers. It reminds me of how so many people are taught to conceal their emotions and put on a happy face, no matter what they are feeling.

For those who suffer with a mental illness, this is impossible. Even more upsetting is the thought that if others find out what they are experiencing, they will be ostracized and abandoned. "Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show." ARGH! I groan every time I hear that phrase!

How liberating it was for Elsa to finally remove those gloves and show the world who she is! It mirrors the freedom that many feel when they come forward with their own stories of depression, anxiety, trauma, etc. Yes, it's terrifying to take that first step, but by doing so, you open your world up to new experiences.

Another movie that has taken over our household is Big Hero 6, a story of a child genius who avenges his brother's death with the help of a lovable robot, his "personal healthcare companion," and a "super" group of friends. I am an avid supporter for those who are grieving, and I applaud how Disney addresses the main character's bereavement. Big Hero 6 shows not only how normal it is to lose your appetite or interests in the world when you are grieving, but also how your loved one lives on through memories and lessons they have taught you. If you haven't seen it, please check it out.

So, needless to say, I can't wait to see Disney/Pixar's new movie, Inside Out, which comes out this week. It's about a young girl who moves to a new city, but the characters also include her emotions--Joy, Anger, Fear, Sadness and Disgust--as they help her adjust to her new life. Creating a movie which will help children identify their very normal emotions--brilliant!

We are well on our way to reducing the stigma of mental health, just by making it a part of our daily conversation. And now future generations may be able to eliminate it altogether.

Talking to Children about Death

Working with grieving children has been the most rewarding aspect of my career. It's so powerful for children to have the opportunity to express their grief and for parents to allow them to explore all emotions associated with it with compassion and security.

There are those that believe if we shield our children from grief, then they won't experience the variety of painful emotions that come with it. As well-intentioned this protection may be, it only sends a negative message to children. It tells them their feelings don't matter, or that death is something to be feared or not discussed. It adds to the sadness, anger, shame, fear, etc. that they are already experiencing.

Some parents wonder just "how much" to tell their children about the death of a loved one. They worry that their child won't understand or their child may have nightmares. It's important to keep in mind the age and maturity of each child when discussing death with them, and this article will provide some helpful information to help you along.

Preschool Understanding -- ages 3 to 5 years
Children of this age believe death is temporary or reversible. They believe their loved one is living under different circumstances and they will come back. They have a "magical" way of thinking, which is why it's so important to use words like "dead" and "died" rather than euphemisms. If a child hears he "lost his grandfather" he may wonder why no one has found him. Or if he has been told that "he's gone to a better place" it leaves him wondering what's wrong with this place.

A child may also ask questions such as, "How will Uncle Pete read his newspaper if he's dead?" It's important to explain to the child what "dead" means: that Uncle Pete does not need to eat or drink or read the newspaper or go to work anymore. Again, you want to consider the child's age and maturity level. Answer questions honestly, but don't give anymore information than what is being asked.

Latency Understanding -- ages 6 to 8 years old
Children of this age understand that death is permanent and irreversible. They will ask more questions during this time, such as how Mom died, what happened to her body, etc. As I stated before, answer these questions honestly. The information they receive will give them stability and security.

Pre-Adolescent Understanding -- 9 years to 12 years old
Children in the pre-adolescent stages have an adult understanding of death. They tend to intellectualize the loss (i.e. "Daddy had a brain tumor that really hurt, but now it doesn't hurt him anymore.") in order to help them cope. They also wonder how their world will change afterward, such as who will give them a ride to school, who will play ball with them, etc. While the family dynamic and roles will change, it's important for the child to continue to feel safe and secure.

Children may also begin to fear that someone else they love will die too. If Mom has died in a car accident, a child may be afraid that Dad will die in a car accident too. A healthy answer for this question can go something like this: "Everyone dies sometime, but I'm going to do everything I can to protect myself because I want to take care of you and live to be very, very old."

Adolescent Understanding -- 13 years to Adult
Teens are already at a very critical time in their lives, exploring their thoughts, their environment, their relationships. When a death occurs, they may become blaming ("It's the doctor's fault that grandma died") or philosophical ("Why did my cousin die in the war? What is the meaning of this war?").

Teenagers may even exhibit more risky behavior because they feel immortal and invincible. They may think even though their loved one died, it can't happen to them, so they will drive fast or drink too much alcohol or take drugs. It is important for parents to keep a close eye on these behaviors, and as with all children, to provide the love and security they need.

For more information, read "Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies" by William Worden

Attend to every part of yourself to reduce stress

You’ve just gotten home from a long day at work. You haven’t been home since 7 o’clock this morning and you get out of the car, looking forward to plop down on the couch and put your feet up. The only decisions you are planning to make is whether you should watch your favorite television program, read a book or simply meditate.

You take a look at the lawn and realize it hasn’t been mowed, even though your landscaper promised it would happen today. That’s okay. You’ll give him a call when you get in the house; it should only take a few minutes and then you can relax.

You walk inside the house and see the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Your son promised to wash them when he got home from school, as well as take out the trash. You check that and see he hasn’t done that either.

You open the refrigerator and realize you forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer to defrost for tonight’s supper. You groan as you try to figure out something else to cook.

You walk down the hallway to your bedroom and realize the dog has made a mess on the floor, and no one has cleaned it up yet. You step over it and head straight to your daughter’s room to ask her why she didn’t take out the dog like she was supposed to. She’s lying in bed with a headache. So, you step over the poo and get her some aspirin.

Then you walk back and clean up the poo.

Then you walk into your son’s room only to find a note on his door saying he went to a friend’s house and he will be home in time for supper.

You take a look at the couch and realize you did have something planned that involved the couch tonight, but now, with all these other responsibilities, you’ve forgotten what that plan is.

Sound familiar?

If so, then you are one of plenty of women who are suffering from stress. Today’s woman has many responsibilities—work, school, home life, children, spouse, etc. Gone are the June Cleaver days (if they ever really existed). Now you feel like you have to be Wonder Woman, conquering the world and saving the day.

Although you might be helping everyone around you, the truth is, you’re hurting yourself. Many women become so involved in taking care of others, that they neglect to take care of the one person who matters the most—themselves!

Working with individuals who can relate to the above description, I have come to discover that there are five areas in life that need to be nurtured in order to obtain and maintain a well-balanced lifestyle. These areas are spiritual, social, emotional, mental and physical.

The Spiritual Piece
How do you get in touch with your spirituality? Some people practice their spirituality by going to church, others by communing with nature. Some read religious literature, others meditate. Whatever you do that helps you get in touch with your inner peace, practice it on a regular basis.

Your Social Life
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own lives, we forget that there’s a whole other world out there that needs to be enjoyed. Get in touch with old friends, schedule lunch dates or play dates or a girls night out. Limited on friends? Join a social networking group with others who have a common bond. Schedule time with family or take a few minutes every day to chat with co-workers.

Getting In Touch Your Emotions
When we have so much on our plate, sometimes we go on automatic pilot and ignore how we’re feeling inside. Ignoring our emotions will ultimately lead to feeling stressed. Therefore it’s important to get in touch with those feelings, recognize them and acknowledge them. You can do this by journaling, writing a letter, talking to someone you trust or seeking individual or group therapy.



Stimulate your Mind
What stimulates your mind? Tackling a project at work? Learning a new language or craft? Doing a crossword puzzle or sudoku? Reading a book or the newspaper? Watching an educational TV program? Engage in mental stimulation on a regular basis to keep your interests up and your mind sharp.



Your Physical Body
Taking care of your body goes hand-in-hand with taking care of your mind. If we ignore one, it will exacerbate symptoms in the other, such as upset stomach, rapid heartbeat, headaches, etc. Make sure you are eating proper foods; they are the fuel that makes your body go. Exercise on a regular basis by walking, running, yoga, playing a new sport. Also, treat your body to luxuries such as massage, a new haircut or a facial.

It’s important that we nurture these five areas equally (or as equally as possible) in order to maintain a balanced lifestyle. Doing so will prevent feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, isolation, sadness, and anxiety. It will also create a healthier and happier you!

How has your grief event changed your life?

Grief sucks.

I know, not the most eloquent way to put it, but it's true. I wish Hallmark would come out with a card with such brutal honesty. When we experience any kind of loss, it really turns our world upside down. Routines change, emotions come in unexpected waves, our thoughts, once clear, become muddled. 

I'm working with a group of wonderful, faith-filled people dedicated to ease the burdens of those who are grieving. We are developing a faith-based support group for all types of grief--death of a loved one, divorce, diagnosis of a medical illness, to name a few. Last night, a member posed an interesting question that has given me some thought: Are we really changed by our grief? Don't we essentially stay the same but adapt to a new circumstance?

Grief is personal. One person may have renewed faith after being diagnosed with an illness, another may lose their faith altogether. One person may find new meaning in life after a loved one dies, the other may not have any change in their outlook at all. 

Any life event gives us the opportunity for personal growth. In times of grief, I have witnessed people grapple with emotions they never experienced before. I have seen people find new ways to honor their loved ones. I have known many who are inspired to help others with similar tragedies.

A very wise professor once said, "We cannot change and remain the same." So simple, yet so thought provoking.

Has your grief event changed you?

Eliminate "black and white" thinking!

Sometimes when we are depressed, we tend to see our situations in black and white. This is also called “all or nothing” thinking. If you find yourself muttering:

“Nothing ever goes my way.”
“Everything I do is wrong.”
“I’m a complete failure.”
“This is the worst job in the world!”
“Everything bad happens to me.”

….then you probably see your life in black and white! These statements are extreme and if you were to break it down, you’d probably realize that there are other worse jobs and that sometimes things do go your way.

To break these thoughts down, ask yourself the following questions:

1). Is it really true?
2). What evidence do I have that supports this statement?
3). What evidence do I have that disproves this statement?

If you do this with all of the extreme statements you make, then you’ll probably start realizing just how extreme they are. So, how do you stop making such statements?

First, you’ll want to pay very close attention to your vocabulary, your thinking vocabulary and your speaking vocabulary. How often do you use words like “always,” “never,” “all” and “every”? Why not replace these words with “sometimes” or focus on the solitary incident instead of generalizing it to every situation?

If you start to eliminate the use of the words, you'll notice a decrease in your extreme statements and a decrease in negative thinking. And with any luck, you’ll see greener grass on your side of the fence!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide. In the United States, one in five Americans experiences a mental illness, including depression, anxiety and psychosis. Although the numbers show how common mental illness is, the stigma remains.

Stigma often prevents people from getting help out of fear of discrimination. I’ve worked with many people who withhold their suffering from co-workers, friends and even their closest family. They worry that others will view them as helpless or even dangerous.  These worries lead to isolation and eventually worsened symptoms.

So how can we reduce the stigma? First, we need to be open about our own mental health issues. We don’t necessarily have to broadcast every personal detail, but be comfortable enough to share our challenges in conversation. For example, turn a conversation about a celebrity’s public meltdown into an eye-opening discussion about mental health. By admitting we’ve had our own bouts of depression, anxiety or substance abuse, shows that no one is immune and everyone can overcome any challenge.

We also need to reach out to others who appear to be struggling. Don’t just ask “how are you?” Delve a little deeper. For instance, if your co-worker had a death in the family, continue to check in with them weeks later. Acknowledge that grief is very difficult and you are available to talk.  

Lastly, social media can be a wonderful way to get the word out about mental health issues. Share interesting articles and positive encouragement to others. I once shared an article about suicide grief and a friend of mine privately thanked me. She shared struggles with me that I never knew about. The lesson: you never know who you can be helping. 

A Little Bit About Little Me

A couple of years ago, there was this trend among the local media to "out" themselves, to bare their souls, the reveal their most vulnerable sides. They wrote lengthy articles and blogs on social media, telling their readers all about them, their dreams, their fears. I commend these people and anyone else who has the courage to introduce themselves in such a raw way.

So many of us live in shame. We are ashamed of our choices, of our pasts, of parts of us that are out of our control. It's time to rise above the shame and say, "This is me. I like me. Take it or leave it." And I think that's the courage these individuals portrayed.

So, now it's my turn. A little bit about little me. And, when I say little, I mean 4-foot-8-and-a-half inches of me. And before you ask, my husband is 5'10", so yes, we are mistaken as father and daughter from time to time. Gives us a good laugh, though when I was much younger, I would have been offended. But, let me tell you, as you get closer to 40, you wish for the days that someone mistakes you for younger!

First and foremost, my favorite, most challenging job is that of Mommy. I like to think of myself as a Wonder Mom. Not because I'm that awesome at it, but because I often wonder how I am doing at this crazy job. I wonder if I'm feeding my kids the right food, disciplining them the right way, teaching them the right things. I wonder what my kids are doing when they are at school. I wonder if I'm screwing them up for life. I wonder if I worry too much....

I have a boy and a girl and in the past 6-plus years, they have taught me more about life than I ever could learn in school. They continue to show me how I can be a better person, how I can grow into the mother they deserve. I cherish them.

I'm also a licensed mental health counselor. I earned my masters degree in counselor education from the University of Central Florida (go Knights!) and I've worked in a variety of settings including non-profit organizations, a university campus, hospitals and private practice. The journey of therapy is a delicate one and I am honored to have walked that journey with so many amazing people. People often ask, "How do you do it?" Yes, to witness the pain of another can be heartbreaking. But to witness them emerge from their darkness as stronger human beings fills my heart. And that's why I do what I do.

I've always known I wanted to help people. When I was three years old, my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said, "a helper." I didn't know what that meant, but I knew that's what I wanted to do. I also knew I loved to write. I began reading and writing at an early age and, in some form or another, it's always been a part of my life.

I encourage you to do something courageous today. Find someone you trust and let them in. You may be in for a surprise.

Healthy Coping Skills to Appeal to All Your Senses

Feeling a little off balance? Sometimes when we're overworked and overstressed, the usual things that help us feel better just aren't cutting it. Try something new! Here's a list of skills to engage all five senses!

Listening to music

Taking a bath

Exercise

Yoga

Kickboxing

Taking a nature walk

Writing in a journal

Writing a song, poem, story, etc.

Scrapbooking

Gardening

Cooking a delicious meal

Volunteering

Stretching

Writing a letter to someone you love

Writing a letter to someone who hurt you

Visiting a museum, zoo or art gallery

Taking a creative class: cooking, singing, language, dancing, etc.

Watch a funny movie or TV show

Screaming in your car (rather than at others)

Punching a pillow or a bean bag

Drinking a cup of tea or coffee

Playing a musical instrument

Joining a support group

Talking to supportive friends or family

Eating healthy

Meditate

Caressing a pet

Dancing

Singing

Getting a massage or pedicure

Getting a haircut

Scrubbing the bathtub (helps release tension and anger)

Drawing

Painting

Throwing water balloons at the side of your house

Putting on your favorite article of clothing

What are some other coping skills you can add to the list?

Learning to practice what I preach

For years I have loved the quote, "Bloom where you are planted." I can't remember where I first saw it, but I've always believed that no matter where you are in life, you have to make the best of it. Find the good in the little things.

I recently had a change in my work schedule, leaving me home alone some days while my kids are at school. While I have plenty of housework to keep me busy, I can only do so much laundry without becoming bored to tears. So, instead of getting sucked into daytime television, I have decided to spend those free moments writing. I have decided to bloom where I am planted. Life has given me this schedule, so I am going to use it to its fullest.

I'm writing to help others, for it is when I am helping others that I am at my best, that I feel my best.

Happy Spring everyone!