Sticks and Stones Can Break Bones, but Words Can Scar for Life

Dear Mom Who Called Her Daughter a "Dumb Kid,"

Hi there, it's me again. The mom who reprimanded you in public. There was so much more I wanted to tell you, but didn't get the chance. So, I thought I'd write you this letter in hopes that one day you would read it and know I was talking to you.

The event we attended with our children was so enjoyable. All of the attendants really loved learning about the miniature therapy horses and having the opportunity to pet one and take a picture with it. Well, almost everyone enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I, and probably many others, noticed how irritated you were with your young daughter. How old is she? Eight or nine? I saw her reach out to pet the horse but was passed over by accident. Poor girl started to quietly cry and continued throughout the rest of the presentation.

It wasn't until the end that everyone, including your daughter, had the opportunity to pet the horse and take a picture. It was then that we had our little run-in.

I want you to know I don't typically confront people in public. And I definitely am not the type to tell another parent how to raise their children. Parenting is a hard job, and we all are finding our own way. I know I make mistakes--no parent is perfect. And I truly hope this was just a really bad day and not how you always talk to her. In addition to being a mom, I'm also a therapist, and I've counseled many adults who suffered verbal abuse as children. These adults have low self-esteem, are in toxic relationships and suffer from anxiety and depression. No doubt the verbal abuse they endured as children was a major factor. I feel for these adults as I watch them struggle to identify a positive quality about themselves. When you are called "stupid," "ugly" or "dumb" during your most formative years, you end up believing it about yourself. Only a few individuals can see beyond these insults and recognize their own amazing resilience.

I  hope you want your daughter to grow up to be a self-assured and happy woman, capable of maintaining healthy relationships. But, calling her a "dumb kid" because she was crying is not going to get her there. And pushing her in the back and on the head toward the front of the line is not going to get her there either. When I reprimanded you, it was not my intent to humiliate you or make you angry. In fact, it was a purely automatic response to your action. I empathized with your daughter and defended her. You asserted yourself, saying she was "being dumb for crying," and I'm afraid my attempt to identify her feelings as "sad" fell on deaf ears as you walked away, telling me, "She's my kid!"

"She's my kid." That reminds me of a quote my mom shared with me when I first became a parent.

As a fellow mom, I know that being that stable bow for our children is a daily challenge. There are some days I just want to run screaming from the house. But how far can our children go if we cannot provide them with a stable and loving home?

I pray that was the first and last time you insulted your daughter. I hope you are able to find some relief for your stress so you can be that steady, stable bow to launch your daughter into this world a confident, healthy woman.

I'm happy she had the opportunity to finally pet the horse. I think she needed it more than anyone that day.

Sincerely,

A Fellow Mom

Madness: An Outstanding Read for Consumers and Counselors

Imagine being a child and not being able to sleep for days. Imagine being terrified of being alone with your thoughts. Imagine drinking yourself into oblivion just to get through the day. Imagine dragging a blade across your arm, only to cut so deep you had to be hospitalized for a suicide attempt.

Unfortunately, many of you may have actually experienced these events first-hand. Some of you may have experienced more than one. Marya Hornbacher experienced them all, and more.

Hornbacher is a thirty-something who was not diagnosed with bipolar disorder until her twenties, though she had a history of serious symptoms since childhood. She chronicles her pursuit of optimum mental health in Madness.


In her book, she details the dark, sleepless nights she had as a child which would usually end in violent sobs and rivers of tears as her mother tried her best to comfort her. In her teens, while battling an eating disorder, she was diagnosed with depression and placed on an SSRI (a type of anti-depressant which targets the serotonin levels in your brain), which she later discovered would send her into severe mania. Her manic episodes would usually consist of excessive spending, risky sexual behavior and heavy alcohol consumption. At the end of her mania, she would sink into a deep depression, sending her into psychiatric hospitals on several occasions.

The book is a brutal account of a severe mental illness and its effects on a highly intelligent and creative woman. At times it was dark and disturbing. Other times it was confusing, as I would imagine watching someone battle this illness would be. But, overall, it provided great insight into the realities of mental illness, good psychiatric care and the value of a positive support system.