Teaching Kids About Social Responsibility

Our family had a wonderful opportunity to volunteer together last weekend. Food 4 Kids Backpack Program of North Florida was recruiting families to help sort donated food for the upcoming school year. The program provides needy families with backpacks of food every Friday to hold them through the weekend. I had been trying to find ways to teach our kids about giving back. One year we prepared boxes for Operation Christmas Child and I have taken the kids to donate used toys, but I wanted something different. So when this opportunity arose, I quickly enlisted my hubby and two little ones to volunteer two hours of our Saturday morning to help out.

Operation Christmas Child

However, the kids were not as enthused as I was. Wanting to stay home and play, they fought getting out of bed, they fought getting dressed, they fought getting out the door. But, knowing this would be a great learning experience for them, I fought back. My cousin Mari always tells me, "Fight the fight." In other words, don't give in. So I finally got everyone in the car and we were on our way to make a difference.

On our way there, I explained to them the purpose of the program: to feed kids who don't always have food at home. I told them that these were kids who might even go to their schools and if we have the chance to help someone, we take it. Although it probably went over my 3-year-old's head, I think my 6-year-old understood to a degree.

Once we were there, we were assigned to a station of bagging extra items for the long weekends. The kids really got into handing me packages of raisins and bagging boxes of pasta. Once those items were exhausted, my son helped out by handing us cans of beans and soup for our assembly line. I heaped on the praise and continued to teach them how much we were helping out kids just like them.
We prepared 200 hundred bags of provisions in one hour! The kids worked hard and were exhausted, so we let them play while we boxed up backpacks with the help of some older children. It was great to see kids working hard and serving as an example to the little ones.

Pretty excited about sorting cans ;)

I'm excited to learn about more opportunities like this in our community. Though my kids might be too young to understand the concept of social responsibility, it's never too early to teach them how they can help others.

How Disney has helped promote mental health

I was in high school when Disney started cranking out new animated movies: The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Aladdin...and I loved them all. I identified with Belle and her love of books, and who wouldn't want a friend like the Genie?

After high school, though, I didn't really pay much attention to what Disney and later, Pixar, was doing. I was going to college, developing a career, wrapped up in the whole "single girl" life. "Kids movies" just weren't my thing anymore.

Now that I'm a mom of two little ones, one of the many, many benefits is being introduced to another world. And that includes the latest Disney & Pixar creations. Yes, we have Frozen fever in our house and, no, I don't think it will ever go away. Our first attempt at watching Frozen was when it came out in the theaters. My son, who was 4 at the time was ready, popcorn in hand. My daughter, who was one-and-a-half, didn't even make it through the coming attractions. Luckily, we were able to get our money back, and months later it became available on Amazon Prime. So, I took the chance and bought it and I think I've watched it at least 100 times since then. My daughter now cajoles me into re-enacting the scene where Anna finds Elsa in her "ice castle." Makes for an entertaining car ride.

Like many others, I appreciate the fact that Disney/Pixar focused on the relationship between the sisters, rather than a typical fairy-tale story where the princess is rescued by the handsome prince. But, as a therapist, I cringe every time the King decides to limit Elsa's contact with everyone in order to conceal her ice powers. It reminds me of how so many people are taught to conceal their emotions and put on a happy face, no matter what they are feeling.

For those who suffer with a mental illness, this is impossible. Even more upsetting is the thought that if others find out what they are experiencing, they will be ostracized and abandoned. "Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show." ARGH! I groan every time I hear that phrase!

How liberating it was for Elsa to finally remove those gloves and show the world who she is! It mirrors the freedom that many feel when they come forward with their own stories of depression, anxiety, trauma, etc. Yes, it's terrifying to take that first step, but by doing so, you open your world up to new experiences.

Another movie that has taken over our household is Big Hero 6, a story of a child genius who avenges his brother's death with the help of a lovable robot, his "personal healthcare companion," and a "super" group of friends. I am an avid supporter for those who are grieving, and I applaud how Disney addresses the main character's bereavement. Big Hero 6 shows not only how normal it is to lose your appetite or interests in the world when you are grieving, but also how your loved one lives on through memories and lessons they have taught you. If you haven't seen it, please check it out.

So, needless to say, I can't wait to see Disney/Pixar's new movie, Inside Out, which comes out this week. It's about a young girl who moves to a new city, but the characters also include her emotions--Joy, Anger, Fear, Sadness and Disgust--as they help her adjust to her new life. Creating a movie which will help children identify their very normal emotions--brilliant!

We are well on our way to reducing the stigma of mental health, just by making it a part of our daily conversation. And now future generations may be able to eliminate it altogether.

Talking to Children about Death

Working with grieving children has been the most rewarding aspect of my career. It's so powerful for children to have the opportunity to express their grief and for parents to allow them to explore all emotions associated with it with compassion and security.

There are those that believe if we shield our children from grief, then they won't experience the variety of painful emotions that come with it. As well-intentioned this protection may be, it only sends a negative message to children. It tells them their feelings don't matter, or that death is something to be feared or not discussed. It adds to the sadness, anger, shame, fear, etc. that they are already experiencing.

Some parents wonder just "how much" to tell their children about the death of a loved one. They worry that their child won't understand or their child may have nightmares. It's important to keep in mind the age and maturity of each child when discussing death with them, and this article will provide some helpful information to help you along.

Preschool Understanding -- ages 3 to 5 years
Children of this age believe death is temporary or reversible. They believe their loved one is living under different circumstances and they will come back. They have a "magical" way of thinking, which is why it's so important to use words like "dead" and "died" rather than euphemisms. If a child hears he "lost his grandfather" he may wonder why no one has found him. Or if he has been told that "he's gone to a better place" it leaves him wondering what's wrong with this place.

A child may also ask questions such as, "How will Uncle Pete read his newspaper if he's dead?" It's important to explain to the child what "dead" means: that Uncle Pete does not need to eat or drink or read the newspaper or go to work anymore. Again, you want to consider the child's age and maturity level. Answer questions honestly, but don't give anymore information than what is being asked.

Latency Understanding -- ages 6 to 8 years old
Children of this age understand that death is permanent and irreversible. They will ask more questions during this time, such as how Mom died, what happened to her body, etc. As I stated before, answer these questions honestly. The information they receive will give them stability and security.

Pre-Adolescent Understanding -- 9 years to 12 years old
Children in the pre-adolescent stages have an adult understanding of death. They tend to intellectualize the loss (i.e. "Daddy had a brain tumor that really hurt, but now it doesn't hurt him anymore.") in order to help them cope. They also wonder how their world will change afterward, such as who will give them a ride to school, who will play ball with them, etc. While the family dynamic and roles will change, it's important for the child to continue to feel safe and secure.

Children may also begin to fear that someone else they love will die too. If Mom has died in a car accident, a child may be afraid that Dad will die in a car accident too. A healthy answer for this question can go something like this: "Everyone dies sometime, but I'm going to do everything I can to protect myself because I want to take care of you and live to be very, very old."

Adolescent Understanding -- 13 years to Adult
Teens are already at a very critical time in their lives, exploring their thoughts, their environment, their relationships. When a death occurs, they may become blaming ("It's the doctor's fault that grandma died") or philosophical ("Why did my cousin die in the war? What is the meaning of this war?").

Teenagers may even exhibit more risky behavior because they feel immortal and invincible. They may think even though their loved one died, it can't happen to them, so they will drive fast or drink too much alcohol or take drugs. It is important for parents to keep a close eye on these behaviors, and as with all children, to provide the love and security they need.

For more information, read "Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies" by William Worden